TEACHING CHILDREN...THE ART OF SAYING "NO".

Take a look at this video, a reproduction of Walter Mischel's Marshmallow experiement conducted in the 1960's. Psychologists at Stanford found that children who can delay gratification did better in school and in life.
A marshmallow was placed in front of 4-year-old children, and they were told that they may choose to eat the marshmallow now or wait 15 minutes to be given a second marshmallow. Take a look:

The genius of the experiment was that they followed the kids for 18 years. What they found was a child's ability to wait to eat the marshmallow was an amazingly strong predictor for success in school, their adjustment, their happiness, even their popularity.

The research shows that when parents help their kids develop self-discipline, that that is a key success factor for kids, the ability to say "no" to themselves.

So what can parents do to help their kids learn self-discipline?
We have to set limits and be consistent. If I say "no you can't have the candy bar," and then 10 seconds later I give them the candy bar, what they're learning is that "no" doesn't mean "no", it just means "escalate", if I plead and throw a fit, I'll get what I want.
It's simple, but not easy.
A short term relief of giving children what they want, we pay a long term price for that. It turns out that the agony of waiting for a marshmallow, computer game, or a car, might actually help your child. We all know that life does deal with challenge, frustration and discipline, and we want our kids to be able to handle that. Well, how will they be able to handle that if they don't get practice?
In the marshmallow experiment, and in life, good things come to those who wait.

Good Relationships begin with Common Values!

COMMON VALUES ASSESSMENT
Circle the values that are most important to you. Consider that some values may initially appeal to you but upon deeper reflection (the statement that follows each value) you realize that you don’t always hold them as a priority. Then rank them in importance from 1-14. Discuss with your fiancé(e) or spouse.
1. Honesty. Yes, but sometimes it’s OK to fudge.
2. Commitment. Sure, but some commitments are just too hard to keep.
3. Fidelity. I don’t plan on having an affair but who knows the future.
4. Loyalty. It might be necessary to violate a loyalty if another’s safety is at risk.
5. Devotion to parents. Parents are important, but spouse comes first.
6. Generosity. I’ll give, but only after I’ve taken care of myself.
7. Peacemaking. Sometimes evil needs to be confronted, even with violence.
8. Living simply. I work hard for my money. Why can’t I enjoy its rewards?
9. Kindness. Some people are too kind and others take advantage of them.
10. Self-control. I believe in being flexible and spontaneous, not being uptight.
11. Education. Education is over-rated. I wouldn’t sacrifice current wants for it.
12. Sacrifice. Suffering and delayed gratification have no use and are to be avoided.
13. Friendship. Friends are nice, but family and spouse are more important.
14. Children. I value my freedom more.

Nourishing your Relationship

Have you nourished your relationship today? Remember to make the time to relay positive, appreciative comments to your partner. We all need to feel appreciated and loved!

What Do Happy Couples Do Differently? The 3 Key features that happy couples do differently.

Research on happy couples show that they engage in some key differences than other couples. These couples have been together for over 10 years and rate their relationships as "very happy" and "highly satisfying." So, what makes them different?
1. Happy couples are more physically affectionate than other couples. They hold hands, rub each others backs or shoulders, when passing each other by, sit next to each other..etc. They reach out to each other in a non-verbal way, that demonstrates their affection.
2. Happy couples express 5 more positive verbal statements to every 1 negative statement. Remember how it was when you first met your sweetheart? It was much easier to express positive statements to each other then. What happened? We get busy with kids, business, just everyday life, paying the bills, and doing laundry and it isn't what it used to be, the newness is gone. However, happy couples make an effort to maintain those happy moments by continuing to express their appreciation to their loved one. Remember the goal is 5 to 1 (positive comments to negative comments). This will definitely change the course of your relationship.
3. Happy couples are each other's best friend. This means there is trust and a sense of valuing this person in your life. If trust is an issue, it's important to work on that with a professional. Trust is one of those basic building blocks of any good relationship. Happy couples seek each other out when they've had a rotten day, they look to the other as a buffer for the outside world. This is the one person that can tell you " It's going to be okay, I'm here for you," and you immediately feel a sense of calm, because you believe that voice. If you have a connection like that, all else is good in the world.

The Four Negative Patterns that predicts divorce.

Dr. John Gottman reveals the four patterns that couples engage in that predicts divorce. Watch these videos.

Catching Them Being Good!

What to do when your child's grades fall?  Do you give consequences for a bad grade?  You know, mow the lawn, take away their cell phone?  Do you ignore it?  What is the best way to handle it?  This is a question I was recently asked.  Consequences are meant to be given for behavior. The grade is the natural consequence for a students effort or lack of effort.  What parents really need to do is focus on their child's effort.  If you think your child is slacking off, then, by all means give a consequence. However, if your child is doing the very best and still is not doing well (evidenced by a poor grade) then parents need to provide tutors or extra help.  Also, remember that most kids feel bad already when they get a poor grade, so adding punishment to injury really doesn't help. Helping them cope with the disappointment is more important.
The main point is to give more praise than comments of disappointment.  Catch them being good. After all, most kids want to please their parents.